When should I say no

Deciding when to say no

Mental health therapy clients often ask me when is a good time to set a boundary and say no? Figuring it out can be a little challenging. Especially if we have a history of people pleasing, our judgement of appropriate and healthy boundaries can be a bit out of practice. What’s worse is when you start boundary work those lines seem to become even more blurry. You are left overanalyzing every move you make wondering if it was the right decision. This leaves us feeling like we have no idea what is appropriate or healthy. I am hoping these guidelines will be of some help to you. If you are wanting more information on healthy boundary setting check out our group therapy for setting healthy boundaries.

Saying no is something that most of us feel guilty about doing. We feel guilty telling our friends no, we feel guilty telling work no, and we feel guilty telling our family no. It is truly so difficult to set boundaries with people. While I understand how difficult saying no is, I also understand how important saying no is. Having good boundaries is fundamental to any healthy relationship. Part of having healthy boundaries is saying no when you need to. Let’s look at when it is appropriate to say no. These are adopted from DBT therapy, I use this with therapy clients to understand what situations are appropriate to say no.

10 questions to figure out when you should say no

1.        Am I able to do give or do what the person is asking?

-Logistically and factually can do what this person wants?

-Am I financially able?

-Do I actually have the time?

- Do I have the knowledge or skillset?

-Am I physically or mentally able?

We really want to take a moment and evaluate if we can do what they are asking.

2.        Is the relationship or saying no more important?

-Is this a healthy relationship we want to maintain long term?

-Is it important that we make sacrifices for this relationship or are we being people pleasers?

3.        Will I feel bad if I say no?

-Will I feel guilty in the future for saying no?

-Will I be able to factually support feeling guilty about saying no?

-Is there evidence that most people with healthy boundaries would say yes in this situation?

4.        Am I legally or ethically required to say yes?

-Is there any law that requires you to say yes?

-Is there any moral code that requires you to say yes?

5.        Is the other person responsible for telling me what to do?

-Are they in charge of me?

-Do they have influence of me?

6.        Is the request appropriate for the relationship?

-Would it be reasonable that they are asking this from you?

-Would your friends agree this is a reasonable request?

-Are they stepping over boundaries?

-Is the request unsafe, immoral, or unjust?

7.        Will I regret saying no, long term?

-If I say no will it damage the relationship?

-Is my response going to be impactful for a long-term goal I have?

-Will saying no impact my future opportunities?

8.        Is there appropriate give and take in this relationship?

-Does the other person do as much for me as I do for them?

-Are things 50/50 for the most part?

-Does it feel like they are always asking from you, but never helping in return?

9.        Do I know all the details of what they want?

-Have they been specific about their request?
-Do I know exactly what I am agree or disagreeing to?

-Do I have all the details or are there questions?

-Do I need more information before I respond?

10.   Is it good timing?

-Am I in a good place mentally to agree or disagree?

-Am I hungry or tired or crabby?

-Are they in a place to respond well to a no?

-Would it be better to think about it for a while longer?

While asking yourself these questions is a good place to start. Setting boundaries can be really overwhelming and difficult to navigate. I always suggest getting connected with a therapist who specialized in boundary setting and people pleasing behaviors. There are so many tools and skills we can teach you. You don’t have to feel like you are stuck in your head trying to figure out what is healthy and what is unhealthy. We offer a therapy group focused on teaching skills about boundary setting. If it feels like group isn’t your setting individual therapy is always a great option when you are wanting to focus on creating healthy relationships. I specialize in working with young adults and women wanting to improve their self esteem and move into new stages of life with confidence.